Following last week’s comments by David Cameron on nursing practice, a team of nurses has been set up to return the favour by showing him how to do his job.
Several surgical nurses have been despatched to a corporate function to ensure sufficient loud braying about stock options. Meanwhile, a health visitor will conduct hourly checks on the number of times Cameron mentions “benefit scroungers” while completely ignoring the Spartacus Report.
Some nurses expressed concern about the way Tories are being trained. One A&E nurse said, “We are seeing worrying moves away from the traditional training grounds of Eton, Oxbridge, then being parachuted into the life of a career politician, with maybe a stint in a PR consultancy or an investment bank. Some of the recent crop of Tories have actually had jobs in the real world. This undermining of standards simply won’t do.”
A CPN went on a fact-finding visit to a restaurant outing by the Bullingdon Club, and reported some concerns. “Don’t get me wrong, I saw some members who showed real dedication to the core Bullingdon values of arrogance and the flaunting of privilege. I mean, we’re talking some unbelievable twerps here. Even so, there was evidence of slapdash standards. I spoke to some waiters at the restaurant who hadn’t received a single obnoxious remark about their ethnic background. Some of the customers hadn’t even been projectile vomited over.”
The CPN added, “This wouldn’t have been acceptable under Thatcher, and it shouldn’t be acceptable now.
A Bullingdon spokesman rejected the criticisms, “One problem with being a narrow, unrepresentative elite is a chronic staffing shortage. There simply aren’t enough of us to get around to every waiter and treat him like a feudal serf. It takes time and resources to build up a good quality projectile vomit. Nurses should be providing us with the Dom Perignon that we need in order to make sure anyone unlucky enough to be in the same venue as us gets plastered with our gastro-intestinal contents.”
The spokesman then ran down the street in his underpants with a traffic cone on his head, lobbing bread rolls at passers by.
There have also been calls for the Royal College of Nursing to run workshops for other professional bodies on how to be a limp, ineffectual paper tiger. However, the RCN pointed out that they’ve been doing that for years.